It's a question I posed to a mixed group of friends. The women were all united in their belief that it didn't make sense to do so. They thought that most men wouldn't be used to the concept of someone else taking the romantic initiative. And even if a relationship seemed possible, their absolute bewilderment over an unusual situation could very well ruin it. The male ego, they all agreed, just doesn't permit such a relationship, even if there is interest.
The trouble is when a woman likes a guy, it's a real pain in the wrong place, to sit around waiting for him to ask her out. Ask any woman about the frustration of watching a guy eye you all evening, start to walk towards you and then stop and turn back. It's an ARRRRGGGGGHH situation.
The men on the other hand, were all open to the idea. I was quite surprised to hear the things that some of them said,
"It would be really nice to have the girl take the initiative for a change."
"Guys like compliments and receiving attention too."
"I'm hopeless at setting up the whole romantic scenario. It would be so great if she'd take charge of that."
And finally, the clinching deal for their side, was a male friend who had just announced that he was getting engaged.
"My fiance proposed to me!"
Now honestly, I think it's wise to try something out before passing a judgment on it. So yes, I have asked a guy out as well. Not once, several times. It was an enlightening experience. For starters, it's horribly nerve-tangling...the worrying about how to ask, where to go, what to do and what the other person will think of you. I felt a rush of sympathy for all the men who had summoned up the nerve to ever express an interest in me. It does take a lot of courage and planning.
It was an eye-opener, how the entire effort consumed me. I told a friend,
"The thrill of the chase is something I could get used to. The not-knowing, even the slight panic...there's a heady high attached to it."
I must also add that being in the driving seat, so to speak, being the one bringing together the whole production, somehow automatically switched me into a place of only thinking about the absolutely necessary. A friend was goading me into taking things to a more serious level. I thought about it and I surprised myself by saying,
"When you ask someone for a commitment, you are also saying that you're ready to commit yourself. I'm not sure yet if that's the case. I just want to see where this goes for now."
As I said it, I knew I sounded exactly like a lot of men. And yet, I wasn't being commitment-phobic, I wasn't planning on two-timing and I wasn't 'in it for the ride'. I really, honestly didn't know where things were going and having taken up the responsibility to take it somewhere, I just wanted to take it slowly.
The one insight that stands out, is that the person who takes the initiative is definitely setting himself (or herself) up for the possibility of rejection...but even more subtly he or she is saying yes to being in a place of uncertainty, at least for some time.
Since I started telling a story, I should tell you the end. The man I asked out, turned out to be involved with someone else. I discovered it only several weeks later, when I confronted him about his odd behavior and he admitted it under pressure. That can happen. He said he wasn't sure if it was dates or just friendly meetings. What the truth is, is anyone's guess. Should one take the risk of being stood up or humiliated? There's no answer to that, except that guys do it all the time (take the risk I mean, not just what this guy did).
As I see it, being the woman taking charge means one is playing an unusual role and there's ample scope to be misunderstood. If the guy is a jerk, he could easily use the situation for maximum benefit and get a lot out of the girl without giving her anything back. But then again, falling in love is always a risk, every time, in every single situation. Besides the reverse is probably equally true. A woman can just as easily free-ride on a guy's attentions and then walk away without a second thought.
So at the end, I'm inclined to say that if you have the nerve for it, don't let social norms stop you. If you're a guy who agrees with what my male friends said, try not to be a jerk about it. In the long run, it'll encourage more women to take the initiative and things will only get easier and pleasanter for you. If like me, you're a woman who can't stand to sit around looking pretty and waiting to be asked out, go right into the chase. Just keep your band-aids and chocolates and close friends about. Just in case.
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